Along with Keeping up with the Jonesses comes another issue that I have struggled with all my life, which is not being able to become someone with high academic status. I grew up with the expectation that I need to be a doctor and the reason is because I need to prove to the world that I can do it and that even if I came from a background that was not high, that I would prove myself by becoming a doctor. In other words, being a dr was just a matter of prestige and keeping up with the Jonesses' because my other cousins would become Dr and then I would feel inferior in front of them.
When my parents heard that their other friends kids had become drs they feel like pang of regret, disbelief, and sadness that comes on their face because they feel : "why did this happen to me? Why couldn't my kids become doctors? Why why why? I do everything for everyone else, then why can't I be rewarded with a kid that is a doctor?"
I used to feel like a huge failure. I thought that since I couldn't get into med school, I might as well try getting a PHD, but everything is too competitive and you need really high grades to be able to get anywhere in life. So I applied to as many universities I could but didn't get offered. I used to feel extremely unworthy and bad about myself, shameful, and wanted to hide from the rest of the world. I even didn't want to go back to my native country for holidays because I feel so inferior and I felt that I would be laughed and mocked by everyone else there. My mum went back a few years ago and my uncle had asked her: "what is your daughter studying?" When she answered, he gave her this really weird stare and said : "well, my son is in medical school."
I wasn't there but I knew how bad my mum would have felt at that. And for the longest time, I felt ashamed that I had chosen to be born in my family. I felt sorry that my parents had me, and I felt they deserved to have a daughter who was way more academically smarter and capable than I was. I felt that I had dishnored them and for all that they sacrificed to give to me, eg a good education, food , clothing, shelter. I felt really guilty and ashamed I could never repay them back for what they had given.
Even today, when I am writing all this, I do not know where I stand.I still feel that I owe my parents something for all the support, love and care they had showed to me. At the same time, I feel this is my life to live and I can't see myself living for my parents. This parent construct is by far, the most challenging construct I have ever been faced with. It is so deeply engraved in us to wish to give back to parents because it is pay back time when they get older and we have to take over everything.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
sf on keeping up with the Jonesses
I forgive myself for allowing myself to feel inferior when others boast about anything to make them feel bigger.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to cry and wish that the world was a better place to live in because of how people just boasted and wanted to make you feel small.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to succomb to people's attempt to making me feel that I am less than them.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to wish that certain people never existed on this planet.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to avoid certain people and escape from them to avoid having to deal with their stupid behaviors at wanting to make you feel inferior.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hate certain relatives because of their attitudes towards wanting to be higher.
I realize that escaping from them means escaping from myself by not wanting to face my embarassment at not possessing that what they have. Instead, I breathe and do now allow myself to feel that I am any less than anyone who drives luxurious cars or enjoys a luxurious life.
I realize that feeling a victim was just a form of me being treated as a slave where instead of just listening and not reacting, I just allowed myself to feel bad and inferior. I realize that self suppression has lead to nowhere, and only allowed me to become a miserable victim as opposed to being self honest and being happy for the person who obtained that what they want.
I realize that those that tend to show off are also those that themselves face insecurities inside and they need to tell the world they are better off than anyone else.
I realize that I have everything to make me live with dignity and that I need not seek anything that is out of me. Everything I need, I have and is inside of me, not out there. I do not need a huge wedding or a fancy car. I just need a car that I feel I can drive for practical purposes and not for the intention of showing to the world that I am better off that anyone else.
I realize that keeping up with the Jonessses means to compete with someone and I do not allow myself to compete for the sake of having a winner and a loser. I believe everyone is one an equal and therefore I shall no longer succomb to wanting to compete with someone else.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to cry and wish that the world was a better place to live in because of how people just boasted and wanted to make you feel small.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to succomb to people's attempt to making me feel that I am less than them.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to wish that certain people never existed on this planet.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to avoid certain people and escape from them to avoid having to deal with their stupid behaviors at wanting to make you feel inferior.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hate certain relatives because of their attitudes towards wanting to be higher.
I realize that escaping from them means escaping from myself by not wanting to face my embarassment at not possessing that what they have. Instead, I breathe and do now allow myself to feel that I am any less than anyone who drives luxurious cars or enjoys a luxurious life.
I realize that feeling a victim was just a form of me being treated as a slave where instead of just listening and not reacting, I just allowed myself to feel bad and inferior. I realize that self suppression has lead to nowhere, and only allowed me to become a miserable victim as opposed to being self honest and being happy for the person who obtained that what they want.
I realize that those that tend to show off are also those that themselves face insecurities inside and they need to tell the world they are better off than anyone else.
I realize that I have everything to make me live with dignity and that I need not seek anything that is out of me. Everything I need, I have and is inside of me, not out there. I do not need a huge wedding or a fancy car. I just need a car that I feel I can drive for practical purposes and not for the intention of showing to the world that I am better off that anyone else.
I realize that keeping up with the Jonessses means to compete with someone and I do not allow myself to compete for the sake of having a winner and a loser. I believe everyone is one an equal and therefore I shall no longer succomb to wanting to compete with someone else.
keeping up with the Jonesses
When I was growing up, all I noticed was how important it was to show off, because that is what status meant. I saw my uncles buying BMWs and Mercedes, buying bungalows and my parents had to settle for mediocracy. We drove in a comfy toyota, did not possess any bungalows but we did go to the beach often. My parents I guess always had this inferiority complex in front of their relatives because they wanted to also have the luxury everyone else had. What pisses me off is the way my uncles behaved in front of them. The words they used to just want to show off their high status and reveal that they are above all with their luxury cars and big houses.
We moved to North America 13 years ago, in a way because my parents wanted to get out of that circle of bad influence where keeping up with the Jonesses was there to just make you have a sad life. Unfortunately, my parents had always been big victims all their lives and when people talked to them to just boast, they sadly took everything in and swallowed their tears. Only recently, has my mum realized how stupid living in a world where all people did was compete and show off was. She never really liked those that bossed and showed off, and her way of seeking revenge from everyone else was to hope that I became a Doctor, which never happened.
When I look at my parents, all I see is years of unhappiness and being brutally victimized because of the way people had acted. I can't see any scope of achievement and pride in what they have accomplished in their lives showing. They have always struggled to achieve things on their own by taking 100% responsbility, whereas others tended to have an easier life, where they got things for free.
I must admit that I myself only recently realized that I still had this point of wanting to keep up with the Jonesses in me. Last month I was talking to my cousin who got married last year and he told me that at his wedding there were about 2000 people. That made me realize that my wedding is going to be really tiny in front of his and deep inside me, I felt this little pang of sadness or feeling pity for myself. I felt that I wanted to also have something big to celeberate,since it was the norm in my culture to have big weddings. I also felt that my parents were going to be really embarassed in front of other people that I was just here to have a small wedding, while all their nephews and nieces would have huge ones.
I ended up telling this to all my friends and coworkers. All of them told me that small weddings are more intimate and easier to have then big weddings where it is all about showing off. My one coworker whose sister got married told me she didn't even enjoy herself at her sister's wedding which comprised 1000 guests.
I then realized that bingo, they are right and all I was doing was comparing myself to my cousin wishing that it would be huge so that I don't when in fact, deep inside, I never wanted anything huge. All I cared was I guess that I didn't want to lose face and feel inferior like my parents have all their lives in front of others.
We moved to North America 13 years ago, in a way because my parents wanted to get out of that circle of bad influence where keeping up with the Jonesses was there to just make you have a sad life. Unfortunately, my parents had always been big victims all their lives and when people talked to them to just boast, they sadly took everything in and swallowed their tears. Only recently, has my mum realized how stupid living in a world where all people did was compete and show off was. She never really liked those that bossed and showed off, and her way of seeking revenge from everyone else was to hope that I became a Doctor, which never happened.
When I look at my parents, all I see is years of unhappiness and being brutally victimized because of the way people had acted. I can't see any scope of achievement and pride in what they have accomplished in their lives showing. They have always struggled to achieve things on their own by taking 100% responsbility, whereas others tended to have an easier life, where they got things for free.
I must admit that I myself only recently realized that I still had this point of wanting to keep up with the Jonesses in me. Last month I was talking to my cousin who got married last year and he told me that at his wedding there were about 2000 people. That made me realize that my wedding is going to be really tiny in front of his and deep inside me, I felt this little pang of sadness or feeling pity for myself. I felt that I wanted to also have something big to celeberate,since it was the norm in my culture to have big weddings. I also felt that my parents were going to be really embarassed in front of other people that I was just here to have a small wedding, while all their nephews and nieces would have huge ones.
I ended up telling this to all my friends and coworkers. All of them told me that small weddings are more intimate and easier to have then big weddings where it is all about showing off. My one coworker whose sister got married told me she didn't even enjoy herself at her sister's wedding which comprised 1000 guests.
I then realized that bingo, they are right and all I was doing was comparing myself to my cousin wishing that it would be huge so that I don't when in fact, deep inside, I never wanted anything huge. All I cared was I guess that I didn't want to lose face and feel inferior like my parents have all their lives in front of others.
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