Along with Keeping up with the Jonesses comes another issue that I have struggled with all my life, which is not being able to become someone with high academic status. I grew up with the expectation that I need to be a doctor and the reason is because I need to prove to the world that I can do it and that even if I came from a background that was not high, that I would prove myself by becoming a doctor. In other words, being a dr was just a matter of prestige and keeping up with the Jonesses' because my other cousins would become Dr and then I would feel inferior in front of them.
When my parents heard that their other friends kids had become drs they feel like pang of regret, disbelief, and sadness that comes on their face because they feel : "why did this happen to me? Why couldn't my kids become doctors? Why why why? I do everything for everyone else, then why can't I be rewarded with a kid that is a doctor?"
I used to feel like a huge failure. I thought that since I couldn't get into med school, I might as well try getting a PHD, but everything is too competitive and you need really high grades to be able to get anywhere in life. So I applied to as many universities I could but didn't get offered. I used to feel extremely unworthy and bad about myself, shameful, and wanted to hide from the rest of the world. I even didn't want to go back to my native country for holidays because I feel so inferior and I felt that I would be laughed and mocked by everyone else there. My mum went back a few years ago and my uncle had asked her: "what is your daughter studying?" When she answered, he gave her this really weird stare and said : "well, my son is in medical school."
I wasn't there but I knew how bad my mum would have felt at that. And for the longest time, I felt ashamed that I had chosen to be born in my family. I felt sorry that my parents had me, and I felt they deserved to have a daughter who was way more academically smarter and capable than I was. I felt that I had dishnored them and for all that they sacrificed to give to me, eg a good education, food , clothing, shelter. I felt really guilty and ashamed I could never repay them back for what they had given.
Even today, when I am writing all this, I do not know where I stand.I still feel that I owe my parents something for all the support, love and care they had showed to me. At the same time, I feel this is my life to live and I can't see myself living for my parents. This parent construct is by far, the most challenging construct I have ever been faced with. It is so deeply engraved in us to wish to give back to parents because it is pay back time when they get older and we have to take over everything.
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